For CAZEL.
She drew me something dandy a while back. (waaaay long ago XD;; sorry)
OH
I'll find the link... hold on... :: DA surfs ::
http://www.deviantart.com/view/26727791/
There.
;o; lovely, ain't it?

I returned the trade, but half-assed /swt
Sorry Cazel XD;

:: staring at the original ::
... D: yeah I less than half-assed that.
Sorryyyyyy XXX: :: has no excuse ::

ah I'm so fucking lazy :D


So I settled things.
The hometown is calm.
No qualms.
No issues.
No nothing.
When I come back O= I hope there's something.
The refreshing taste of pollution :: thumbs up ::
I look forward to leaving for Japan,
but I also look forward to the return.


That picture for Sara = never gonna get done.
I can't do it.
._. just can't do it.
And none shall see it who haven't already.
Only like... two people saw it :D


This entry
was mainly just to like...
post that picture
and to say that I'm not mad any more.

Being angry sucks.
Fuck anger =O I'd rather be indifferent.


I think I'll post one last time before I ditch this journal for a year.
When I come back it'll be reoccupied though.
I love ASTRO VISITATION <3



I LEAVE
IN TWO
DAYS...
atleast I won't miss Project Runway's finale.
BUT OMFG
I miss Minoriteam's premier. after like two years of waiting.
OKAY I'll complain about all this on Electric Travel.
Suits that journal better.
I gotta go pack some shit and practice the robot.

OUT.

ART SHOW
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/applecomplex/artshow.jpg
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/applecomplex/artshow2.jpg
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/applecomplex/artshow3.jpg
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/applecomplex/artshow4.jpg
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/applecomplex/artshow5.jpg

I was doing the robot in that picture of me, but Choco cut off my other arm D: so I just look +3 retarded.
The show was a lot of fun. Got to see some people before I left for good.
Margarita and Meryl = Pres and VP for our Junior year O: yay!

This particular gallery was pretty damn big.
The amount of art suprised me. Good stuff though
D< I HOPE YOU WENT.

On my piece, the one I'm standing in front of, seems like the kanji on the right fell off and they glued it back on without me.
I left before the gallery went up, so... yeah. They matted it and fixed it, I guess.
BUT THEY FIXED IT WRONG >\
The tail on the kanji was supposed to be BEHIND the girl's head. Not in front.
That actually bothers me a lot now :D; I wish it wasn't so. Can't really get that art piece back before I leave, either.

I LOVE IT A LOT THOUGH ._.; probably one of my favorites. I think I just really like the colors.
worked hard on it :x :: stfu's ::


Happy Birthday Arimura, Ryutaro.
:D because his birthday is worth mentioning.
because Choco draws him. lots.


UIGHHHGJHKJAD
still working on the drawing for Sara.
Haven't done anything to it for a good three or four days :D; :: slacking off ::
I really need to get some things done before I leave.

Friday's the day. I leave in the morning, so... yeah.
So many things in Vegas I'll miss.
Things I won't miss, too XD


The song I'm listening to is like... too long to fit in the music thing. wtf.


I made a few icons for electrictravel.
Just uh... >_>; thought I'd say so.


I really haven't got any art to post right now.
This last week in Vegas is going to be pretty busy.
If I can finish that picture for Sara before I leave, that'll be enough. really.


About a year ago (._. SO LONG) I commissioned a cosplay costume of Rabi from D.grey-man.
It JUST came. /swt
It's seriously nice though X: and when I come back from Japan I'm going to wear it o_o;
WHEN I COME BACK.
IN A YEAR.
ROLGSHIT THAT'S SO LONG.
XD;


:| ADNKJAFH alright. I really wanna like... emo out on something.
then I don't want to.
then I do.
So I guess I will :D

Devin and I had some issues to clear out when I went to the artshow.
Basically, I thought he lied to me about something.
It isn't the subject of what he lied about that bothered me.
Just the part of lying to me.

So I was rather... :D unhappy upon coming face to face with him.
He noticed and we ended up talking for a little while.
I swear to god there was nothing left to say when I went back to Sachi and Collette.
I wasn't upset or happy or mad or whatever. I was just over with it.
No big deal, no issues, nothing. I was cool with the whole situation.

Then later on Sachi, Collette, Sheldon, and I were standing outside (in the ridiculously windy weather) talking.
Devin walked by and said he was leaving.
I said good-bye, see you in a year, whatever, blahblah, the works.
He was just like... god wtf I have no fucking clue what he was thinking.
There wasn't a "good-bye, good luck!" or anything.
What I got was a burning glare and a disappointed departure.
He walked away shaking his head as he went back into the gallery.

Now if Sachi, Collette, and Sheldon hadn't said something
I probably would have assumed I did something horrible on accident. and upset him badly.
I didn't understand, seriously, not a fucking clue about what happened.
They didn't either.
I don't feel bad in saying that was a fucked up way to say good-bye.
I don't feel an ounce of guilt assuming he did it on purpose to piss me off. To get even with me.
He really is a "meanie head".


Have you ever seen the Joy Luck Club?
I haven't read the book, but I just recently (FINALLY) saw the movie.
Something I'd wanted to watch for a while. I was lucky enough to catch it on TV.

One of the daughters was married to a rich white man.
They were happy and everything was dandy while they were young.
Then the relationship began to drag on and out.
The wife tried desperately to make her husband happy.
To do everything within her power to make his life easier.
She had a child in hopes of keeping their marriage strong.
The husband didn't understand why she did so much for him.
Where had her youthful independence gone?
He ended up having an affair.

The wife talked to her mother, a woman with a rough past.
She told her daughter
"You, like my mother, do not know your worth."
The daughter came to realize what those words meant.
When her husband came back to the house to discuss a settlement on selling their house
she told him they would not sell the house.
He could not have her daughter.
And that her love was never worth less than his.

What came from watching that movie was a self realization that never surfaced before.
I can't lower the value of myself to better suit someone else.
I have to stop thinking that my needs only hinder people.
I can't keep denying my worth.
If I ever go out with anyone again, which I doubt and don't intend to, I won't lower myself so they feel more appreciated.
No more feeling bad, because I'm "imposing" myself.
No more worthless guilt.
Atleast I hope to act that way.
I also hope there won't be a next time.
Relationships are bullshit.



GODDAMNIT.
After we talked I had so much shit running through my head.
So many people and so many things I'll be leaving in Vegas.

AND IF YOU STOP AND THINK
THAT I, WHO RARELY GIVES A DAMN, CARES ABOUT WETHER OR NOT YOU LIED TO ME
SHOWS THAT I THOUGHT HIGHLY OF YOU.
I CARE ABOUT MY FRIENDS.
BUT NOW
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE.








With the expression you left with
I don't expect you to notice my absence.
So don't expect a fucking hello.


//edit
I don't write out of jealousy.
I write because I'm pissed.
Given that Devin reads this
he'll probably be pissed as fuck at me.

To the girl who I think will be his girlfriend,
if she happens to read this (which is doubtful),
good luck and cheers to your future.
Don't take anything I write the wrong way.
It ain't directed at you.

Phone calls are a simple save-face conversation.
Words are the medium. Words are the smiles, the quirked eyebrows, and even the frowns.
Why does the simplicity get lost in a sea of concern?
Where does it all go?
Into the void of distance?

Do I play too much attention to detail?
I know I've made promises and haven't kept them.
The awareness of my falseness only supports the hipocracy.
They promised and should be allowed to casually brush off the crumbs that fall from the oath of such brittle words.
I know they make promises with no intention of keeping them.

But agh... it feels wrong to spite them for not keeping a promise.
A phone call is simple, right?
No need to worry about a few missed words.
No need to care for broken promises.

At this point I really don't know if I care or not.
I step cautiously on the line between spite and disinterest.
Do I fake a apathy to keep a careless attitude?
I can lie forever. That's my end of the promise.
I'll fake like they never said anything. Like we never spoke at all.


YOU MADE SUCH A BIG PROMISE.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY TO VISIT.
I BELIEVED YOU.
It's hard to say things like that.
I don't know if I ever really "believed you".
You grew up. I'm like a fad that's out of style.
You'll care when I'm cool enough to care about.
It's hard to say things I mean.
So dreadfully hard to be honest.

I'll read this later. And revisit how emotions turn people into babbling idiots. :D

I wish I'd get over things like that.
Stop sticking to the people from before.
Are old friendships really worth this?
God... It just sucks when I think about it, really.
Every time she called it was completely random. Oh, she called around my birthday once.
Every. single. time. There's a "oh I gotta go, but I'll call you back later."
The next phone call was always months away.
I'd rather hear "I gotta go. Have a nice day."
Those words are more genuine.
More comforting than a stack of pin needle lies.

... I really suck.
Who thinks about their friends this way?
I feel more fake than ever.
Built from the ground up on a base of complete bullshit.
And no, it isn't tact. It's just me being lame.
Once that feeling of being "good friends" is gone I should just cut ties.

I think of Kaylani as a "good friend" even though we rarely talk, if ever at all.
On the rare occasions we do trade words it doesn't feel like she's lying to my face.

OH GOD
I AM SO DONE WITH MY BITCHING.
>_< SOMEONE SMACK ME NEXT TIME.
._. sorry.
:: scans horrible sketches to post ::



http://www.geostigma.net/apple/junk/destined.JPG
With the new season of Dejimon scheduled to air April in Japan, I'm all :D yay dejimon is coming back.
I liked Tomoki of Frontiers. So that little-kid-position is what I drew this boy for.
He has no name e_e; I actually forgot to give him one. He's got high nerd-factor <3
Not so good at drawing children >__> he should be 12 at most? That shirt is really ugly XD
... ._. I yearn for Digiworld on AOL. YEARN.

http://www.geostigma.net/apple/junk/chlor.JPG
One of my FAAAAAAAVORITE people to draw ever.
:D I realize now his hat is about 3904830497 times too big. Oh well. Maybe he uses it as a mask sometimes.
I forgot his hair covers his eyebrows... oops. DAMNIT. :|
A ton of sketches flew out of my old folder earlier today. I sifted through them for "old times sake" XD;
Found a lot of Chlorine sketches. o_o;... end of story.

http://www.geostigma.net/apple/junk/boys.JPG
practice drawing boy's haircut. yeah, they're all boys e_e I tend to make boys far too feminine.
The older looking one in the middle row is really bad looking :D
Bottom left is pretty shoddy, too.
I swear to god I cannot draw spikes. e_e;;; you can see it there.
Those were sketched fairly quickly... scanned because I felt like it


._. and I've been working on and off a picture for Sara.
It's turning out so-so. I don't work with CG-paint style things often. Good practice.
I'll definitly have it posted here when I'm done with a long, boring speech of how awesome and terrifying Sara is :D





I love Kuuchuu Buranko. Deal with it.
Kakushou BIAS! A GO! GO! is beautiful.
And Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence stole my soul.

ApplecompleX

just uh... thought I'd let you know.
... yeah, that's really the end XD


OH WAIT NO
>_> TAG MY TAGBOARD
>_>;!! It'll make feel less lame. And you know making me feel cool is a priority.

"The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage"
That is the whole title of the song o_o; I recommend Panic! at the Disco, for those of you unfamiliar.
Wish I could go to one of their March shows D: but it's looking... yeah, the fucking shows at the Alley sold out in like two seconds.


And DA's Agreement Contract scares me.
It should probably scare you, too.
On the whole, the deal with DA between art and corporation is still confusing.
I've read all that news that kept breaking out into DA, but really... e_e; it doesn't seem like it's getting anyone anywhere. I doubt it is.
The Agreement thing is actually a big deal though.
justthorne's got some insight. Read some of his journals on the matter if you feel like it.

We do what we can to retain "ownership" of the art we create, but it all seems to get lost in a legal system now days.
XD I'm not feeling up to writing about this. rolg :: bum ::


I bought Resident Evil 4 for the GCN, since it became a Player's Choice title and dropped to 20 dollars. :\ I bought it used, too. Yay money.
I SUCK BAD at shooters :D No joke. I suck really bad. This is probably a really, really bad title to start out with. But uh... you know... whatever. >_>;;
Metroid = easy, because targeting system.
RE4 = difficult, because you get a little red laser. that's it.
I guess the laser is better than nothing e_e; I've gotten a few headshots. That, however, outweighs none of how much I can't aim.
I've got bad aim in video games, worse game in real life. Speculation leads me to think there might be a correlation there. /hmm


So I've been out of school for nearly a week. What have I accomplished?
Let's see... I sort of cleaned off the computer desk.
Yeah, that's it :D I swear I'm doing my best. really. Making use of my time. All that stuff.
The long to-do list has been accumulating. There's about two weeks left to do it... two weeks.
I won't be surprised if I leave without having accomplished anything I was supposed it. e_E; I doubt it would surprise my parents either.


I need to rebuild my website.
I keep saying this and I never do it.
Actually, I made two short attempts to redo it.
But the first time the .png wouldn't load and it was majorly pissing me off e_e I tried SO MANY THINGS TO FIX IT. No go.
Then the other day when I attempted again my host was down.
Is it fate? I would have actually done it if I hadn't run into retarded issues X: believe it or not, I speak the truth this time.
I guess it'll have to get done one way or another. I'm looking toward a kindergarden-level layout. haha. I work hard =D


THE REAL REASON I SAT DOWN TO WRITE TONIGHT... morning... whatever.
Welcome to my long, unnecessary rant about trends and gothic lolita. :D sit back, relax, and stop reading if you don't care.

Trends are a very fickle thing. Trends are fads. Style is not something I relate often with these words.
I understand the full extent of the word fashion, but somehow I hate to see it thrown in the mud like it often is. In these instances the term style will more or less refer to that of clothing.
I don't follow trends. Honestly, really. I don't. If I wear something "trendy" it isn't because I wanted to be hip, I wear it because I like it. I declare myself as untrendy for that reason.
Now, I've always admired street fashion of any kind. People really are brilliant with what they wear when not all of it is from one brand. Japan's street fashion is admirable. I like it. a lot. So yeah, some of my style comes from Japanese influence.
Which brings us to a little something called gothic lolita. A style I really admired.

Gothic lolita, for those of you who know it isn't pedophilic in this case, started quite small. In Japan it all began with a visual-kei icon called Mana. You know, the guys with the waists skinner than their platforms with faces whiter than a geisha's. Yeah, those guys. I'm a mild fan of visual-kei, by the way. Mana gave birth to a fad that started from style, fashion, and music. Those who followed his path addressed it as ゴスロリ or gothloli (loligoth). I'm not 100% accurate, but I know this began to catch on in an underground kind of way. Not hugely popular and often looked at as too eccentric. Especially for a conservative country like Japan, seeing girls and boys walk around in such an outgoing style is odd.
I caught on to this trend after it began to get bigger in Japan. At this point more than a few stores had opened up bringing to light the style of lolita. Not only was lolita gothic anymore either. The range widened from the puffy fruit-print skirts to boys in p-coats and dresses. The door had opened. While lolita was known outside of Japan few really adopted the style to heart. I know there was a good amount outside Japan when I was first influenced by the look, but I got into it pretty early. It was hard to find things in the US to match what I wanted to wear, since the frills and lace were not popular. I tried handsewing pieces once (before I got a sewing machine) and yeah, not so good. I made due pretty well considering what was available. Anyone outside the reach of Japanese lolita stores was either sewing things themselves, customizing clothing, or finding pieces here and there to put together their own version of lolita.
To put it simply, being gothic lolita back then was a fight in itself. Becoming familiar with the entire look and feel was the goal for many of us. I have no doubts that even people in Japan had a hard time getting the lolita out of their minds and onto fabric. So the style grew and grew. Girls in the younger, livlier places in Japan began to express it more. The stores in Japan got bigger and more popped up. The look gained popularity. It even gained a few magazines dedicated to it and the music scene it sprouted from. The look was amazing overall. With the intricuit laces and finely detailed elegance of each and every type of lolita-based style, it became diverse and more recognized.
Then, for all my opinion is worth, lolita took a turn for the worse. My first exposure to the exploitation was a magazine article scanned and posted on the loligoth club on DA. I can't remember the details, but it was a huge two page spread on the gothic lolita style. Get this. Two high-fashion Caucasian models were sitting in a foggy atmosphere with skimpy frilly, lacy outfits on. Many of us who were part of the loligoth club were apalled. Afterward I began to notice more about the popularity of lolita. The club on DA gained a huge amount of members. Whenever I went on cosplay galleries someone would be "cosplaying" gothic lolita. And, a huge instigator for this rant, at AX2005 I saw more lolita than I could count. I think AX was really the trigger to make me realize how the "style" had begun a quick descent down.
The worst thing for me is walking into a mall and seeing these lacy, frilly, dainty clothes hanging on racks. Every single shop in the mall is over flowed with black and white collar shirts with frills running down the middle. ALL OF THEM. Oh, and that "I'm unique" store Hot Topic is one of the worst. If you shop there and you haven't realized it yet, they only sell what sells. If lace wasn't the next "big thing" it wouldn't be there. Hot Topic is the biggest exploiter of style I've seen. I don't even want to start about that store. So I'll complain about a different brand. International Concepts (INC) has a new these this season. They say "FRILLS AND LACE ARE IN! IN! IN!". It's really disgusting.
Now, yes right this very second, gothic lolita is a trend. It is no longer a style. How far was it stretched from those Mana-roots in Japan? Well, we've got to the point where the look that people saw as outrageous and over-the-top has become "just another fad". I'm sure they'll all trip over the lace-look next season when it isn't cool anymore.
For those staying true to the roots of gothloli, kick ass. More power to you.

For me, gothic lolita is an everyday thing. I incorporated a lot I liked from the style into my day-to-day look. If you see me often you can probably understand. Otherwise... oh well. But the strict gothic lolita look sickens me now. I'm tired of seeing those cosplay whores dishing out a pose to photographers in an attire they show-off so casually. Gothic lolita being considered dress up is dressing down the meaning.
My negativity toward this recent craze for loligoth-ish clothing has been a motive for me to move forward in fashion. I find myself trying to stray further downstream of the mainstream everyday. Of course, I'm not as successful as some people are, but I try. I really need to take sewing and drafting classes...
I want to create something new, something unseen. The best thing ever would be to give light to a style that is too outrageous to become a trend, yet subtle enough for those willing and daring enough to follow... maybe that takes a path close to gothloli's, but I'll keep trying to attain my ideal style.


AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh I doubt anyone'll have the patients to read that. Through all the tedium, grammatical mistakes, and redundancy, I'd be impressed if anyone made it through.
I've got my predictions on how people into loligoth would take this... people who got into it early probably agree. Those who got into the look late probably hate what I think.
Good thing no one that's actually into it reads my crap XD;; I might get beat down by a ten pound platform shoe.
By the way :D I DESPISE when people address Mana as "Mana-sama". seriously. I find that very... dumb. :: definitely in for a shoe-beating now ::



>__> I'm out. Gonna go get my ass kicked in RE4.


PS:
I haven't read of any of what I just typed.
All of this sounded awesome in my head. Though the odds are good that I wrote a bunch of shit that makes no sense.
I have a strong standing opinion about the new gothloli scene. Nothing yet has convinced me otherwise.
For any mistakes or confusion I cause with what I write I should apologize :D so...
I'm sorry.

My previous entry
was not intended to be offensive
though I do tend to speak blatantly.
Censorship is bullshit afterall.



This is old o_O; quite old, actually. Last year... october? Maybe earlier.
I'm not sure why I never posted it anywhere, ever.
It's a photo of my charcoal abstract piece that was hung in the Hard Rock Hotel Starbucks artshow for my school.
Uh... x\ It has a motive, really. I called it affixiation.
I don't feel like explaining :D


Matt and I were sitting here (my computer room) really bored and I started to sketch stuff.
Well that's what became of that.
I really like drawing shit like that o_o; I don't scan them often, but I've done a few of those.
It's straight pen x_x; so it's positioned and proportioned wonky.
Maybe I'll do a really nice finished one someday.

I'm working on a series of characters that involves people I know in character-form.
I took photos of the drawings, since there's about five pages with five separate people on each page, but they were blurry so I'm not uploading them here x\ I'll probably just post finished designs later. This will take a while :D
The people I know are going to be stuffed into some sad-excuse-for-a-story plot that I feel like making.
Here's the point. If you draw and I know you D: how about you draw yourself for me? I'll probably redesign your clothes, but how you draw yourself will be how I depict you.
If no one does this :D... oh well. Very few of my requests are heard XD


GOD I HAVE TO REDO APPLECOMPLEX. my website.
BADLY.
SO BADLY.
BADLYHAJKSHAS. I'll do it soon. Since I'm going to be home =_= I'll do it before I leave for Japan, definitely.
Someone tell me why fucking FireFox can't read divlayers correctly?
Am I doing them wrong? What the fuck, seriously. I can't use divs because I use FF. I don't like iE anymore, either, been using FF too long.
x\... and my PNG wasn't loading. wtf more?
Oh wait, was it divs or in-line frames that FF screws up? I don't remember. I know it can't read all of iE-compatible HTML though.


I MISSED BOBO-BO. DAMN YOU.
YES, YOU.


AH GOD GUESS WHAT?
I got an iPod. :: gets pelted with stones ::
EVEN I, AN ANTI-MAC PERSON, KNOWS IT'S THE BEST DAP OUT THERE.
>_>;;;; and until an "iPod killer" ACTUALLY KILLS THE iPOD, which seems unlikely at this point, I'll use the it.
I don't feel conformist right now. Why? 'cause the I bought the iPod for the quality.
NOT because it's the "most popular" or the "best looking". I did research >_>; it's good to have.
Plus, I can back-up all my art files on it. Which makes me very happy.


I guess that's it.
That's uh..... just about it :D yep.
bye.

http://electrictravel.livejournal.com/
http://electrictravel.livejournal.com/
http://electrictravel.livejournal.com/
http://electrictravel.livejournal.com/
http://electrictravel.livejournal.com/

my Japan travel log ;O clue you in there.
by the way I probably typo'd and misspelt A LOT of things.
Don't wanna read all that shit I typed? read this:
I'm going to Japan for a year. I leave in March 2006, return January 2007.

Keep in contact with me through that journal while I'm gone.
For now I'll keep this journal updated until I leave, then it'll go hiatus for a while O:
My new aim is "i am program". don't forget me D; okay?





I leave for Japan. I leave a lot of things behind. Vegas, LVA, friends, some family, the Revolution and PS3 launch...
yes, quite a lot goes under when I go abroad. I won't forget o_O and if I do... remind me, hm?

I'll miss you guys :D I promise. Everyday I'll wonder wtf you're up to.





I don't impose my sense of justice on other people.
I just don't.
I'm not here to comfort you and say "Don't do that, it's dangerous"
I'm here to be here, not to be authority.
What people do with themselves is their own business.
Being "a good friend" is not the same integrity I use between my friends and I.
The general idea of "a good friend" is someone who looks out for their comrade. Like parents. siblings. whatever.
I have no friends close enough to impose myself as a figure like that upon them. or vice versa.
I have no qualms with the decisions people make.
Doesn't involve me. Doesn't need my supervision.
But I see a growing trend, no?
Or perhaps it was a trend in constant existence that I failed to recognize until I came into contact with it.
Social pressure never bothered me. Never.
My parents never pressured me. Even if they did, I never reacted.
Somewhere inside I'm probably holding up the sky's weight in bricks, but I'm still standing.
This is me, maybe it's you, it's probably not them.
They are those who conform and bend to social pressures.
The bandwagon, so to speak, has been lifting more than a few people lately.
My friends, up until high school, were always people I trusted.
I never worried about them.
Never thought, "Oh they're going to fuck themselves up" 'cause they never did.
I hit high school. big step. whoop-ti-doo.
A lot changed socially. more than I thought would.
I don't have many "close friends" any more. People I know inside out, people that know me just as well.
Is that my fault? Am I hard to socialize with? Become good friends with? I don't doubt it.
I pay close attention to other people though.
I listen and observe more than I should, yet I don't have any close friends.
So all my friends are sort of flimsy to me.
Bendy and slightly fabricated.
I pretend I know them better than I do.
I pretend to care less than I do.
I pretend to not care at all.
Do I care? I've asked several times over.
I care enough to say hello, to talk, and hang out.
I care enough to say we're friends.
I don't care enough to tell them I care.
How stupid. How lame. How senseless. How cold.
I care more about imposing myself than I do about them.
I care more about myself than I do about my friends.
What happened?
I used to know people I would die for.
I used to know my integrity.
It would kill me to announce my opinions on "right and wrong"
It could kill them if I don't.

I'm lost in this world of uncertainty.
I forgot what it's like to feel for people.
I forgot what it's like to have people know how I feel.
Is that wrong? I don't think it is, but somehow it's wrong.
I still don't feel like imposing myself.
Have I made my decision?
I'll leave my words unspoken and cover my exterior with a blanket.




I miss sensibility. Seriously. It's all gone.
People are so caught up in reality TV and the lives of other people they can't see themselves in a mirror.
I know a few sensible people still.
Matt, Devin, and Koi are probably the most sensible.
These three guys are most likely the reason I haven't split my head trying to figure out "why?".
I don't have to worry about the things you avoid telling me,
because if you don't want to tell me I obviously don't need to know.
Devin is the most... realistic? He's very objective, a strong sense of being.
Koi is just the most reasonable person I've met.
He's laid back and thoughtful. A little letcherous, but humorous.
Matt's a genius. Yes, Matt. is. a. genius. If you don't think so, too bad.
He's got a grasp on his view of life and I like it. He understands on a unique level.




I feel like I've got no friends.
I'll never. never. have friends as awesome as Kaylani and Viky.
Never. never. never ever.
Seems lame, but back in the day when I was good friends with them
I felt no guilt calling them up to talk.
I feel SO GUILTY calling people I know now.
I feel like I'm bothering them.
But way back when with Kaylani and Viky... it was good. It'll never be that convienent again.
Never have friends that close.
We're not close any more.
I still think about them a lot.
I still think of them as good friends though we've nearly lost contact.
I don't know if they feel that way, but whatever.

Everyone keeps changing and I stay the same.
I'm stagnant.
They grow-up and realize living is okay.
I sit and draw.
Geez, I'm a loser.
That's okay. That's okay. (is this denial? self-comfort?)
Having a friend to talk to is more important than fitting into a scene.
I'll be a lonely loser the rest of my life if no one can speak the same language as me.
I'm glad people like Stephen and Matt are my friends.
Emo buddy, too.
Even Sara, that bitch-whore-fucktard, even her.
Your the reasons I care about existing a little.

You know I think I typed something about this up before.
x_x god I feel so damn sad.
Oh well. you get the point. I'm happy I've got a few good friends.




I over analyze things. I spend time thinking.
In a world where the media thinks for you, why am I doing this?
I have to. I gotta know what I think. And I can't know if I don't think.
And I won't remember if I don't write it.
Even if no one hears this, hearing myself matters to me.
Talking to myself devoids it of media content.
No distractions, no commercials.




till tomorrow, see you space cowboys.

Got some news, kids.
I'm leaving.


Going to outer space soon.
Leaving everything behind.

=] and boy, oh boy, I can't wait.





I've got... hm... :\ I've got art on me.
though you won't see it.
Gotta get off my lazy ass and fix up my website.
Gotta move. gotta dance. gotta go.


oh right. Choco and I are putting up our DA account. I'm drawing an iD right now.
check it out, yo
space.chocolates
there'll be art up soon >_>;;; and my old account = nulling that shit.


A friend of mine is half Flip half Iranian.
His Flip grandparents live with him, they're old X: oh my.
So Stephen, Matt, Owl, and me were all over there.
And making a lot of 'ruckus'
when they started to yell at us >_>; etc., etc.
So our friend got in trouble. He comes back,
"Oh, yeah. They don't like Stephen and Matt. Owl's okay. They thought you were a gay guy."
rolg. I look like a gay guy?

I've got this Korean FOB friend =] cool as hell, but weird.
We walk to art class everyday together and I'm... sorta weird, too.
I always do this "ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?" line over and over.
Then today she was like,
"What? YOU ARE PERVERT!"
me> ................ did you get that?
Hilary> ........... no.
I honestly, really didn't get it when she tried to explain.

That makes me a perverted gay guy. I'm so proud =]






People think I'm like 20 years old. Fuck that.
Here's my effort to "look my age". or just look like a fucktard :D


D; I'll clue you crazy cadets in on my future mission specs soon.
Till then I'll be busy-ish preparing for the flight.

I hate the games adults play.
I hate the games they do.

http://www.geostigma.net/apple/art/admitit.JPG

http://www.geostigma.net/apple/art/bright.JPG


I've got finals this week.
Oh joy, joyous day.
You do too, hu?
Good luck.

So I drew those things a while ago. o_O; over a month ago? It's been a while.
The scan for the second one COMPLETELY BLOWS. The original is a lot nicer x_x;
Apple compleX is still down. I've got a layout thing going on for it, but I haven't finished inking shit. Too busy.
It'll be up soon. Atleast I hope so.

If you haven't got Animal Crossing: Wild World ;O I hope you get it soon.
My town's doing really well :D Visit me, please?

Keith's moving.
I really don't want him to.
Really, really wish he'd stay.
But he isn't going to.
I want to throw a "going away party".
As if to celebrate his departure. Prepare ourselves for the void that will consume his former space.
I'll miss him. really.
He's so cool... ;_;
So let's make this 'party' something nice. If you wanna help me >_> please do!
I've got no ideas on how to do this :D and... yeah. Help?

I won a PSP.
How ridiculous is that? Seriously.
No, my DS is not "a thing of the past". I still play. Every day. For hours.
My PSP exists for one reason now. To play Lumines.
... oh yeah, I put a Nintendo sticker on it ;]

Speaking of Nintendo, Choco bought me the godly Viva Miyamoto shirt.
I love it. So much. SO MUCH. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.
The fact Penny-Arcade designed it makes it THAT much better.
Thanks Choco D: I get you something nice, too.

PANIC! at the disco
is a local band. I had no idea.
They sound nice =o I don't care if you liked them before me.

Abandoned Pools = one guy.
That = amazing.
Me = never knew till recently.
I'm = retarded.
Abandoned Pools still = one of my favorites.

I like Pura's new single.
Is that bad? I don't care.
I like it.

If I was gone for a year, would you notice?
Hopefully I will be.
Maybe.
I want to be.
Exchange program I signed up for has been setting up the calls for me to go to Japan for a year.
I'm a semi-finalist for a nice scholarship sponsered by the Japanese government.
... I will take so many picture it will blow your mind :D
I want to go. I don't think I've ever wanted something so badly. So desperately.

Choco & Note vs. everyone
There's only a few people who consider us human still.
Only a few of our classmates who acknowledge the fact we too are alive.
I'd never expected this from the people who pulled the sheets over our heads.
Then warped their hands around our necks and sqeezed till we blacked out.
When Choco and I came back to the light.
Things were different.
Too many ears. Too many voices. Too many goddamn mouths.
I haven't dealt with "school drama" since... I don't even know. Sixth grade?
I hate you all =] and I'll never forget. ever.
That glare, that spite.
I'll forget your faces, your names, your existances, but I will never forget what assholes you are.
... god, I don't even know if I should hate you. Or hate myself.
Or hate whoever spawned this terrible web of drama.
Sorry >_> I'm not really angry. Does Handa get angry? I can't remember.
Sorry :| I'll make due with my own sins and lies. You take care of your own.

EMO BUDDY >_< I'M SORRY.
SO SORRY. I APOLOGIZE.
FOR MY INCONSISTANCY AND FAILURE.
._. really man... I hope you aren't mad.




The conversation and the laughter.
It's gone, but he's right there.
He's right there.
And I miss him.